Confusion of a kid

[rafalpastuszek]

Coming back from Costa Rica made me suffering a bit. All those tensions and shields, lack of contact, longing for contact for understanding, for acceptance, but should I ask for this?

In Costa Rica life was normal, open for feelings questions, acceptance, does it mean that regular life is not normal? Yes and no. Yes because is created by culture, no because is grounded in reality.

Culture express ego world and so its fears and reaction to those fears, and that particular reactions that were expressed by our parents towards their kids are the source of kid trauma. Kids with its underdeveloped ego is unable to understand what is going on why his self is asking for something opposite than he gets and it is painful and it is coming from people who are standing for his entire world. Then he is betraying himself by putting all his gifts that he was born with to support his self maintenance and get approval, get love that he so desperately need. That sequence creates pervasive way of expressing his self and especially his biggest passions and desires his biggest gifts because most important parts are the most involved in this culture creation shake in child mind and life. Pervasive, as a secondary version of primary version of natural version.

So I started to understand that as an adult by coming back to my tensions, perversions, armor I am expressing just confusion of a kid who actively is looking for lost happiness but as we can observe a kid who lost his happiness and he not realize that, he is moving from place to place with confusion and sorrow without any effect trying to reconnect to what he has lost. He need a loving and understanding parent to find out what happen and that he is OK.

Perversions, tensions and addictions are like traces that are leading to this lost happiness, a visible paths that shows original place where trauma and disconnection occurred. That paths on the maps are marked by perversions, addictions, tensions that confused kid in each of us is using to find out what happen with primary feeling expression which will be expression of desires (perversions ? as pervasive expression of desire), reaching out for fulfillment using internal energy for fulfillment (addictions ? as energy removal tools) and opening for life and feelings (tensions ? as feelings closing gates) ? culture is putting a strong censorship upon those natural three, using guilt, shame and image rejection, and is glorifying those other sick three but follow them all six and you will find from time to time a true self, this is my experience so far.